Desperate longing

“I’ve been to paradise

But I have never been to me”

These verses from Mary McGregor’s song characterize me lately, even if there might have never been exactly a paradise. I try to keep everything inside, but I am not sure how effective it is  since failure, fear, worries, uncertainty, tiredness, anger, depression are piling up inside, overwhelming me and suffocating me till my body starts giving the wrong reactions.

I don’t have patience anymore. Everything stresses me out. Everything annoys me. I need quiet of mind and happiness and creativity, but I can’t find them anywhere. I feel as if everyone wants a slice of me and I can’t share the pizza in so many slices.

I want some (good) answers and problem solving. At least if my efforts path to achieve them was clear and streamlined, I would breathe alleviated and start planning. But there are too many uncertainties, too many things outside my control and diligences which could go wrong and I am terrified by this process.

I won’t get, of course, any answers, any reassurance (except maybe empty words). And I am too tired. Still I have older and newer responsibilities and all are weighing on me.

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