I am lazy

glaroi-selidia

Yes, I am lazy. Or, rather, tired, both physically and mentally. I am 48 and sometimes I feel 100.

I wish I was feeling and thinking differently, but not anymore. My mother was shocked when I told her that I have another priority from now on than my carreer. She had taught me to hold my carreer the highest, and I have done it. I got a PhD and I honoured it through having well thought projects, through teaching others and writing a book and various teaching materials and contributions. But a carreer is a living thing. It grows, it expands, it gives a certain fame within specific circles, then it gets old. The times are not good anymore for its development, and it starts diminishing. People get other interests, more fullfilling personally, to focus on, and job ceases being a “carreer” and starts being the place you earn money from.

I have worked already for 30 years, and my patience is weaning. Project management is a demanding, high responsibility job which requires everything to function in line. Yes, one would say that the domino principle applies somehow. And when not everything works how it should have, sometimes it is despite the fact that you have done your best. There are things which aren’t under your control, and which fall attracts other falls.

If God and the laws in force want me to retire early, I will do it. If God doesn’t want it for me, the law won’t be favourable in this direction. Call it laziness, if you want, but I think it might not be exactly this. Just realism and tiredness.

It would be good because I’d end with some stress in my life, not only the work-related part (deadlines, people who don’t do what they were supposed to , how they were supposed to) but also, e.g, the yearly physical evaluation and the need to get permissions for visits to doctors who don’t have a schedule in the evenings. It would be good because I’ll have more time to dedicate to writing, and hopefully I might publish more books. It would be good because I can dedicate more time to caring for my mother and I’d feel less guilty in this field. I will stop worrying what I am going to do with her if in a few months she wouldn’t be able to live alone anymore and I’ll have to move with her as main caregiver.

At the same time, I am scared of the early retirement (which now seems the most likely thing to happen in the upcoming months). Some people have called it “the waiting room for death“. I was told that retired people aren’t taken into consideration anymore by those who are still working. I am scared of the paperwork entailing the early retirement, and of the high austerity months I’ll have to spend waiting for the decision and the first pensions to come.

But I’ll go on without looking back, because I am too tired after 30 years of full time work. More tired than I should have been. And this might make people draw the conclusion that I am lazy.

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